BUILDING BETTER COMMUNICATION
by Gary R. Collins

We've all heard it: Communication is important for building good marriages, good relationships at work, good friendships. We've heard as well that difficulties or failures in communication are the source of almost all conflicts and tensions between people. Marital frictions, parent/child disagreements, antagonism between individuals or groups, labor/management disputes, political strife, church splits, even international conflicts are all characterized in part by communication difficulties.

Mrs. Schneider, for example, thought her married daughter was insensitive, ungrateful, and lazy. The daughter, in turn, resented her mother's criticisms, cynical comments, and prying. Because of these attitudes, the two women began to dislike and avoid each other. At church and family gatherings, they pretended that all was well, but close relatives knew this was a front.

Finally the family went for counseling. Mother and daughter were able to express their mutual frustrations and hurts. They discovered that each had misperceptions about the other and an unwillingness to communicate effectively. By learning and applying principles of good communication, they were able to resolve some difficulties, get along much better, and respect one another, even when they didn't agree.

WHY DOES COMMUNICATION FAIL?
There can be a number of reasons for miscommunication:

• The sender is unable to find the words or gestures to convey what he or she wants to communicate.
• The sender is trying to be coy, to mask feelings, to hide facts, to deceive, to hedge, or to "soften" a message that might be criticized or rejected.
• The sender conveys a "double message" in which the words and the non-verbal gestures say something different. A father conveys a double message, for example, when he never sends a check but repeatedly tells his college aged son, "I intend to help you get through school." The father's words say one thing, but his actions give different message.
• The receiver is unable to understand the message.
• The receiver is distracted from listening or does not want to listen, perhaps because of disinterest, fear of being confronted or persuaded, or mistrust of sender.
• The receiver's prejudices, expectations, values, beliefs, feelings of threat, or point of view distort the message.
• The physical setting hinders communication. For example, it is difficult to communicate effectively in a noisy restaurant or when people sit at different heights. Sermons are less likely to be communicated accurately when worshipers are surrounded by distracting people or objects.

MAKING COMMUNICATION BETTER
Long-standing and deep-seated communication problems do not disappear quickly or easily, but there are basic steps that can improve communication.

Decide that you really want to communicate accurately and that you will try to send clear and specific messages. Refrain from using these messages as clubs to hurt or manipulate people. When the other person feels threatened or defensive, he or she is likely to withdraw or to respond with anger that can destroy good communication. Learn to speak the truth in love.

Consistently show respect for the other person. Try to lay aside your prejudices and remember that others have viewpoints that might differ from yours. Try to understand the other person's perspective even if it differs from yours.

Avoid exaggerated statements, vagueness, insinuations, preaching, lecturing, excuses, cynicism and loaded words including sentences that begin with "You always..." or "You never..."

Remember that actions speak louder than words. Try to avoid double messages in which words and actions contradict.

Keep to the topic under discussion. Family conflicts and even wars between nations come because disagreement over a specific issue is allowed to get bigger. Instead of dealing with one issue at a time, the participants bring up past disagreements, long-standing gripes, and other topics that stimulate anger and destroy clear communication.

Speak kindly, politely, softly. Avoid nagging, whining, yelling, or name-calling.

Work to become a good listener. Remember that many communication problems come because somebody isn't listening carefully or trying to understand.

Recognize the basic importance of prayer. God can help us find the right words, the understanding, the sensitivity, and the best timing for effective communication.

The Bible has hundreds of references dealing with communication and relationships between God and his created human beings, and between people who relate to one another. We are told, for example, that gentle answers turn away wrath, that harsh words stir up anger (Prov. 15:1), that it is foolish to answer before we listen (Prov. 18:13), that we keep ourselves from calamity when we guard our tongues (Prov. 21:23), that differences should be discussed in a one-to-one relationship before they are made public (Matt. 18:15), and that taming the tongue is both difficult and essential (James 1:26; 3:5-10).

Breakdowns in communication are common and easy to understand, but the Christian needs to work consistently to build good communication. This is essential if we are to have successful marriages, strong families, smooth interpersonal relations, effective Christian education, and good friendships.

1999. Christian Counseling Connection. Used by Permission.

| Home | Wisdom Watch |