Dear Jean,

My question is one concerning submission to my husband. Let me give you a little background.

My husband and I are both Christians. He is a very brilliant man and provides well for our family. We have been married for over 20 years during which time I have had to come to terms with some significant issues regarding our relationship. For example, my husband is not relational, either with our children or me. He prefers things over people. He seems to only need me for cooking, cleaning and taking care of the children. He often blames me for problems and recently told me that if I had been doing my job right we would not be having problems with our teenagers right now. Additionally my husband tends to be very controlling: he wants it his way and he wants it now!

We have all been in counseling at one time or another over the past couple of years because of the "fallout" related to the way we function as a family. The counselors have both said that the children have suffered because of these family dynamics and have suggested that there are some boundary issues that need to be addressed. For example, my husband wants me to do all the laundry for our teenagers; his reason to me, "because that' s your job." My counselor recommended that I teach my teenagers some life skills and responsibilities like showing them how to do their own laundry. I told my husband I was going to start letting them do their laundry and to tell you the truth, I'm really pleased that my children are learning some important skills necessary for taking care of themselves.

As far as the lack of emotional intimacy, I came to terms with those problems between me and my husband years ago. I don't depend on my husband to meet my emotional needs for affirmation and worth. I learned that my Lord is my supplier; he gives me plenty of affirmation and encouragement. God makes me feel so loved and valued that I have been able to submit to my husband in these things without anger or bitterness, even though they seem unreasonable at times.

My dilemma is this boundary-setting thing. I'm afraid that even though I have begun to set some boundaries and have had some good results, that I am being disobedient to my husband and to God. I need some clarification on what the Bible means when it says " wives should submit to their husbands in everything."

Signed,

Bewildered in Brevard

Dear Bewildered,

Thank you so much for your question. This is an issue many women struggle with. In fact, because there is so much more we would like to address regarding your question, we are going to devote an entire month of ChristianDiscipleship.com to this topic in the near future. I also want to make clear what I am offering in my response is only my understanding of what the scriptures say on this issue. Mine is not, by far, the final authority. I, like you, am a work in progress.

I want to specifically address three things from your letter. First the issue of submission, second the issue of boundaries, and third the issue of emotional intimacy.

Ephesians 5:24 states, "Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." The idea expressed here is Christ demonstrated His love for the Church through the cross and it is within this atmosphere of love that Christ is asking the church to submit to His headship. We don't have to always understand, like or enjoy all God calls us to do. But, we submit to Him because we can trust Him based on His demonstration of love for us.

Paul is telling husbands they too are responsible for creating a trusting atmosphere in their homes, by demonstrating sacrificial love for their wives. This love relationship provides the basis for which wives can then faithfully fulfill their responsibility of submitting to their husband's position of authority and ultimately to God's will for the family. Within the context of Ephesians 5:24, the wife is not to usurp, undermine, or grumble against God's will/plan for the family, which is to come through the leadership of a godly husband who is seeking God's will for their family. Though she does not always have to like it or agree with it, she is to respect and honor the God ordained order of authority and leadership in her family.

Ephesians 5:24 gives us a picture of the atmosphere in which submission is to occur. But, that does not mean if a husband is not fulfilling his responsibilities according to Ephesians 5:24 the wife does not need to submit to his headship.

In order to get a better picture of the practical application of submission, let's take a look at the example of Sarah, Abraham's wife. 1 Peter 3:5-6 says . . .the holy women of the past who put their hope in God . . .They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

In reading through Genesis 12, 16, 18 and 20 we see several predicaments that Abraham and Sarah got themselves into which speak indirectly about the issue of submission.

In Genesis 12 and 20 we read about the two times Abraham, out of fear, put Sarah in harm's way when he told people she was not his wife. Abraham violated their marriage covenant and his own responsibility as her protector. In this passage we are not given any information on how Sarah responded to Abraham, but we can safely assume this is not the kind of request that God is calling women to submit to - i.e. a violation of the marriage covenant. Yet, we must acknowledge God was always with them and had mercy on them despite Abraham's foolishness and lack of trust in the Lord.

In Ge 16 we read about how Sarai took matters into her own hands and gave her maidservant Hagar over to Abraham to encourage God's word to come to pass, that she and Abraham would have descendents. Later in chapter 16, after Sarai's plan backfires, she lambastes Abraham and blames him for the wrong she is suffering because of Hagar's attitude towards her. She even goes so far as to say to her husband, "may the Lord judge between you and me." Those were some pretty harsh words she flung Abraham's way. Another time, when the three visitors came and told Abraham that Sarah would bear a son in her old age (Ge 18) she laughed to herself and then lied about it out of fear. And once Isaac was born, Sarah demanded Abraham send Hagar and Ishmael away even though it greatly distressed Abraham.