Dear Tired,

One out of every four women has been sexually abused. You are not alone. The number for men is about one in five. Unfortunately, men are even more likely to suffer in silence. The effects of abuse can be mild or severe, but let there be no mistaking, you have been injured by the abuse. The good news is that our God is a God of restoration and He wants to bring healing into your life.

There is a lot to be said about the subject of sexual abuse and its effects on the human psyche and soul. If you knew someone who had been in a terrible accident, you would urge him or her to get treatment for his or her injuries. Sexual abuse, as well as other forms of abuse, can result in serious injury to the soul, which will only heal with proper treatment. You can begin by seeking out a knowledgeable Christian counselor with sexual abuse experience. Also, you can begin to do some reading on your own. Two good books are A Wounded Heart by Dan Allender and On the Threshold of Hope by Diane Langberg.

One of the things that abuse does is fill our minds with lies. Lies about who we are in Christ, our worth and our value. Abuse warps how we view ourselves, others and God and it especially impacts our ability to trust appropriately.

As you have indicated in your letter, not talking about it has not helped to diminish the memories, nightmares or intrusive thoughts. That is because one of the ways that the symptoms of trauma will be diminished is by talking about it and the impact it has had on you. God created the heavens and earth and everything else (Genesis 1) by the power of his voice. As a person made in the image of God, He has given you a voice, which was not meant to be silenced. Your voice is your God given source of power. It is your ability to speak the truth about what happened to you and how you feel about it. You need to begin to exercise your power.

You have sustained some very real injuries to your heart and your mind. These injuries have never been treated, so they have never healed properly. Talking about the emotional and spiritual pain caused by the abuse is part of the necessary treatment. Not only that, but talking about it helps us to feel less scared and less alone. God created us to be in relationship with other people. When we find someone that we can share our deepest feelings with, we learn what it means to be in relationship, we also learn what it is like to trust. Trust is foundational to healthy relationships and especially your relationship with God. These reasons and more are why it is important for you to seek out help and healing for the issues of abuse in your life.

Flashbacks are very common when there has been abuse, as well as the use of drugs and alcohol to dull the pain. Praise God that He graciously delivered you from substance use. Flashbacks can be very frightening. Some people experience them as vivid memories; others actually feel as if they are reliving the crime. A counselor can help you to understand and deal with flashbacks as well as other psychological symptoms you may be having. I pray that you will trust God to bring complete restoration into your life. (Isaiah 58:12)

One common misconception about counseling is that all you do is talk about the incidents of abuse. Yes, that will be a part of your counseling, but it is done at your pace; you decide when, what and how much to say. The counseling process does not require you to speak about every detail. Actually, the counseling process really deals more with the impact of the trauma, than the trauma itself. In fact, I would be wary about a counselor who insists or encourages you to share every detail.

In counseling you will have an objective person, who is trained to listen and to respond appropriately, and to help you sort out the things that are troubling you. Your counselor will help you lay out a plan to overcome those difficulties, and then will walk with you through that process.

Sexual abuse is a tragedy in this world. It is a crime that has been around for as long as mankind. In 2 Samuel 13 we find recorded an incident of sexual abuse between King David's children. David's son Amnon raped his half sister Tamar. When she fled to her brother Absalom's house for refuge, the scriptures say he told her, "Don't take this thing to heart." In other words, don't make a fuss about it. The result was that Tamar remained a desolate woman. Her brother Absalom's advice was damaging and selfish.

If God had meant for us to be silent about sexual abuse He would not have written it into the law that it is detestable for people to do such things. The penalty of such behavior was banishment and even death (Leviticus 18). You are the victim of a crime; you are not the criminal. Yet, you have been carrying around the burden of shame, guilt and humiliation that rightly belongs to your perpetrator. Remaining silent about your abuse only leads to desolation - pain and suffering in isolation.

I hope that you will seek out the help of a close, trustworthy friend to talk to and/or a counselor, as well as books on the subject, and begin to experience the healing and restoration the Lord has in store for you.

In His Service

Jean