Growing up as a child in the 1960's with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), which is an anxiety disorder, was a difficult time. I worried a lot; was fearful; I was very neat, ritualistic, and organized, which caused me anxiety. Because of this anxiety I don't think I enjoyed my childhood as much as I could have. I also had stomach problems as a result of this disorder.

My relationship with my parents during my childhood years was very good, however, I performed most of my ritualistic "checking" behavior with my mother. I repeatedly asked her the same questions over and over again. For example, I would ask her, "do you love me?" I would then repeat that question. When going to bed at night I would say to her "good night mom", and she would say, "good night honey" and then I would keep up this night ritual until she became upset with me. My family loved me but they did not understand my behavior, consequently I was made fun of.

A couple of events caused some significant stress in my life. We moved from New Hampshire to Maine when I was thirteen, and then when I was eighteen, I attempted to go to college on two different occasions. The second time I attended college, I was overwhelmed with the stress due to my perfectionist behavior. I truly wanted to commit suicide. That is when my parents sought help for me.

I began seeing a psychiatrist in the late 1970's who prescribed lithium for me. He was treating me mostly for depression. This did not work out well for me as I ended up in a psychiatric ward for three weeks for diagnostic purposes. While I was in the hospital, they started to diagnose me with OCD as well as depression (most people who are diagnosed with OCD also suffer from depression). For a few years thereafter, I continued to try different kinds of anti-depressants. I struggled with taking them as I felt I didn't need them and/or I didn't want to put up with the side effects. I then went approximately ten years without any medications or therapy. For the most part I functioned well but there were definitely some bad episodes along the way. Any significant stress caused me to decompensate quickly. My husband, who was studying counseling at the time, was a major support for me.

When I was 35 years old the Lord helped me to realize that I needed help on a consistent basis for myself as well as for my family. I started using luvox, which was helpful but due to some side effects I switched to prozac. At this point I started seeing a Christian psychologist for cognitive therapy. He has assisted me a great deal especially as far as focusing on the Lord and how to glorify Him through all of this. At this point in my life I continue to go to therapy and I am now taking celexa, which is working relatively well. I would strongly encourage anyone dealing with this disorder to seek out a therapist that is very familiar with OCD. It is not uncommon for one diagnosed with this disorder, or any other disorder, to have to try different kinds of medications to find the one that works best for them.

I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior at the age of eight. Overall, I probably have questioned God's love for me more than the average believer because I have a hard time trusting anything or anybody. Within the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I would be considered a "checker". This means that I have to check certain objects (stove, dryer, etc.) constantly to make sure that they are off, tight enough, neat, not a fire hazard, etc. This "checking" helps to reduce the anxiety. I feel like I have rituals with God, which makes me feel sad.

Concerning the sin/illness controversy, whenever I hear people speak of it as a sin versus an illness, it upsets me. I have dealt with this issue in my own life for over twenty years. I truly believe that it is illness. Mental illness is as real as heart disease, diabetes, cancer and other physical issues. Believers have a tendency to be more critical when it comes to mental illness, possibly because they are not as educated or well informed on it. The assumption is that because someone is depressed or obsessive, then they are not trusting in God; they are not praying enough; they are not holy enough, etc. I realize that all physical, mental, emotional, and psychological illnesses are the result of Adam's original sin. If he hadn't sinned then there would be absolutely no illnesses at all.

I would encourage anybody that thinks they may have this disorder, or knows someone who might have it, to get educated on the subject. They also should seek help with a therapist that has had experience dealing with this illness. Research has shown that cognitive and/or behavioral therapy along with prescribed medication has proven to be the most effective treatment for OCD. Additionally, family support is crucial when dealing with this disorder.

The severity of this disorder varies, from very mild to extremely debilitating, however, one has to remember that God is sovereign and He is the one ultimately in control, not us.