CD.com: Good morning Barbara, I'm so glad you're here. I have been so encouraged by the testimony of what God has done in your life, and I know it will be an encouragement to the readers of CD.com. Why don't you start by telling us about your life in BC –before Christ?

Barbara: My father was Irish catholic. When I was a child, his mother introduced me to the Catholic Church. I knew that what my father was teaching me was not consistent with the church. Both my father and my Grandmother were alcoholics. He would become verbally abusive. I saw the hypocrisy in their lifestyle even at that young age. They used confession to free themselves up to do what they wanted to.

In my teen years I spent time studying with my mother, who is Japanese and a Buddhist, learning about her religion. Though there were some things about it that were interesting, worshipping an idol and chanting didn't work with me.

During college, I struck up a friendship with a Christian lady in my computer class. I was very taken with her love for me. I attended church with her. I experienced forgiveness and acceptance from her that I had never experienced before. My family always told me what I was doing wrong, she always accepted me. Also, during this time, my GM died from Parkinson's disease. It was a very difficult and horrible death. This experience opened up something in me. I began praying to God with her on my visits. In one of my last visits, I stated out loud with her, "I need to go to God, He's the way isn't He."

CD.com: You remember calling out to God . . .what happened after that?

Barbara: I returned to the Catholic Church for a short time, trying to connect with my family and with God. I wasn't inspired spiritually, I was not learning. When I went to church with my friend, I found something there that was more real to me, but I let myself get swept away by my personal life.

I met my ex-husband and got wrapped up with him. I made this man my savior. I felt like I was struck by lightening when I met him. I decided he had what I was looking for. It was a reckless relationship. A lot of people were hurt, because we did what we needed to do just to be together. I lost all sense of objectiveness when I met him. We were married three months into our relationship.

CD.com: How long were you married to your husband?

Barbara: Two and a half years. During this time we had two children. We went from having no money, to having lots of money. We went from having nothing to having a lot of wealth and material possessions. On a daily basis we went through tremendous emotional highs and lows. He had a trust fund with a lot of money and we lived foolishly and extravagantly. There was also a lot of deception on his part - He was working and earning a good income, but not as much as he said.

CD.com: What happened when you began to realize that he was lying to you?

Barbara: I became very angry and I attacked him verbally and emotionally. I was so caught up in him, even though I didn't like what he was doing. I felt depressed, lonely. I didn't do anything to make it better. I just kept going deeper and deeper into that dark pit, and the rage and the anger just grew and grew. It was eating me alive. I chose to live in that darkness and pain for so long. I'm so glad I've been delivered from that. It's almost unbelievable that that was me back there.

CD.com: At what point did you turn to God?

Barbara: When the marriage reached a point were there was no trust, we had lost everything and I was totally depleted emotionally, that was when I called out to God.

CD.com: What kind's of things did you lose?

Barbara: We lived very extravagantly. We bought a house in a very well to do suburb of Atlanta. It was a three level, 4500 square foot home. He drove a Porsche Carrerra; I drove a BMW 735i. I wore a gold Rolex, designer clothes, used a grocery delivery service, and had house cleaners. There was a confidence and arrogance about me. My jewelry, haircut and clothes were noticed, but I had no friends. We were very unhappy people. I spent money because I was depressed.

Losing all this and my husband was what brought me to my knees. My husband was drinking daily and meeting women over the Internet. He was also consumed with pornography. I was devastated. We were reduced to not knowing where we were going to get food for the children for the day, or whether we had enough dollars to put gas in the car for the day. I was holding on to my husband because he was the father of my children.

In the midst of all this, I was seized with the knowledge that I had to bring my children and myself to Melbourne Florida. My parents lived close to there and though I was the black sheep of the family I knew they would help my children if I needed them to. I had just barely enough cash to get us here. It was definitely from God. It was the one decision that I knew I had to make. My husband argued with me every day for a week about it. But I knew I had to come. It was blind faith. He did decide to come with us.

CD.com: What happened when you got here?

Barbara: When we got settled, I called my long time Christian friend, Pat, to let her know where we were. I also told her I needed to find a church. She reminded me that her son Jonathan lived here and attended a church. She gave me his phone number and we connected.

I remember standing at my kitchen sink in that little apartment with my three cups and my three plates, one pan and one pot, and no table. My life was out of control. It was at my kitchen sink, when my husband was drinking up stairs and the girls were in their room, that I read the tract that Jonathan gave me. For days, maybe two weeks straight I would read the tract and the sinners prayer over and over. I just read it. I was aware that I couldn't even pray on my own.

At the end of two weeks, I put it down and finally, on my own I said, "Jesus you are my Savior and my life has been nothing but sin, and I'm nothing and I'm weak and this life is not what I want." At the kitchen sink, there was a complete surrendering. I had been stripped naked, and there was this desire in my heart to love my beautiful children. I didn't want my children to live like I was living and experience the pain that I was experiencing. I was just struggling to feed them day by day. So my beginnings with God and crying out to him were very desperate. But from that very moment forward, everything I needed God gave me, it was not easy, it was not always what I wanted, or how I wanted it to be, but God provided. I needed to humble myself, it was hard, but everything I needed, He gave me. That all happened about three years ago, in 1998.

CD.com: What happened over the next few months?

Barbara: I did begin to share with my husband more and more of the hope I had in my heart from surrendering to Jesus. But where God had given me faith to believe that He would take care of things, my husband still wanted to be in control.

Our marriage went from being the worst I thought it could be, to being pathetically disgustingly lower and darker than that. He had had an affair with a woman by this point and he left me with no car, and an eviction notice.

But, I felt a release of my will to God. It was a process; peace intermixed with fear and worry; a steady, forward moving process from the kitchen sink onward. I learned to let go more and more of my fear and worry and began to trust more in God. I believed that God was the only One who could handle this and I was comforted by this knowledge. But it was still hard to let go of fear and worry. Logically my life did not make sense. I was living by the hour; I didn't have a plan, but God did.

CD.com: How did God provide for you?

Barbara: My friend picked me up on Sundays to take me to church. I knew people were praying for me. I had no expectation from the church at that time to help me. I just wanted Bible study. So, I was greatly surprised and moved by the offers from people to pray for me and to help me. A family from church took the girls and me into their home. I started working and saved money so I could get my own place. God provided a place through a "chance" meeting with a Christian couple who rented an apartment to me for 1/3 of my budget - exactly what the Lord had shown me I could afford.

After I had worked for some time, my heart was breaking for my children who were in daycare for 10 hours every day. I was not receiving any fulfillment from my job and I was struggling financially. I was crying out to God from my computer at work. I expressed my gratitude to God, but I said I know there is more than this.

I am now a full-time mom taking care of my girls and myself by the grace of God. My ex-husband has consistently complied with a court order for child support. We live very simply - day to day depending on the Lord. Through these difficult times I have also learned the spiritual, material and financial blessings of tithing. God has supplied me with all my needs: an apartment, a van, food, Christian education for my oldest daughter, clothes, friends and many other things.

CD.com: Barbara, has there been any particular scripture that God has used in your life to get you through these difficult times?

Barbara: A scripture that proved to be very comforting was Matthew 6:25-34. I suffered from fear and anxiety about how I was going to take care of my family. One day, when I was in the midst of these trials, I found myself reading this scripture for the first time in my life. "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?" I read this several times a day when I felt so badly about my life. "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." It's like God was saying, "look Barbara, you don't have anything, but that's okay, you just seek me out." I was living this out daily and I found God to be true and faithful to His word.

CD.com: Where do you go from here?

Barbara: To continue to seek God day by day. I am thankful that God has provided for me to be at home with my girls, but I am also involved in a prison ministry, a coalition for the homeless and simply reaching out to those around me who are in need. Also, God is restoring the relationship between me and my parents. I'm looking forward to what He has in store for me in the future.

Copyright © 2001 Jean and Alan LeStourgeon