HAVING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
by Jean LeStourgeon

It happens, friends hurt friends. Whoever said "sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me" was wrong, dead wrong. On the contrary, in my counseling practice I have observed that it is words that damage the flesh of the heart all too easily.

I recently had one of those dreaded moments that sometimes occurs between friends. By not choosing my words carefully when I was upset, I wounded my friend. Proverbs says, "Reckless words pierce like a sword..." (12:18). To compound the insult, when the offense was brought to my attention, and I was given an opportunity to apologize, I opted for the high road of pride. After all, it's not like I didn't have good reason for the cold, stony tone of voice that drew the bow string and slung the arrow of my words directly into my friends heart. You can well imagine how my need for explanation diluted my apology and impacted our relationship for the worse.

How many times does the Lord need to show me that there is only one way to restore relationship and to bring healing? That way is the low and narrow road of humility. When pride gets in the way it places a stumbling block in the path of restoration. God, who bears the name Repairer of Broken Roads, has one way, the low way, and that should always be my way. After all, if Jesus was willing to humble Himself and become clothed in human flesh, to be the innocent lamb sacrificed for guilty man, why do I so frequently attempt to skirt the issue of my guilt in an attempt to feign my innocence. Jesus, for the sake of relationship, was willing to die and to be humiliated in every sense of the word. Relationship with His people was and is of utmost importance to Him. If my Savior places relationship at the pinnacle of his work, so should I.

But how do we overcome the hurt that has been inflicted on our hearts through relationships? There are two ways that come to my mind. Les Parrott, co-author of the book Relationships says, "we all have our Judas's." We have all had someone in our lives, about whom we can say, "I can't believe he/she did that to me."

So first, remember that the moment you exalt a person one iota in your heart, as someone who cannot fail, as someone who you cannot believe could ever hurt you, is the moment you have allowed deception to muddy your perception of truth. We all have the capacity to fail, to hurt and even to harm. But we also have the grace of God and when we respond according to His word, and when we desire to glorify Him instead of ourselves, and when we come to trust in His ways more than our own, then we find rest and peace in this life.

That is also when we discover that Romans 8:28-29 is true: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. God will take every difficult situation in our lives and use it to conform us into the image of Jesus. That is always good for us and glorifying to our heavenly Father. That is always God's goal, therefore we should always make it our goal, especially when we have been thrown into a trial.

Yes, words have the potential to wound, but through strengthening the arsenal of our intellect we can protect our relationships and ourselves. Paul says in Philippians 4:8 Finally brothers whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. All too often, our perception of what someone meant by their words or actions is very far from the truth. I have noticed that it is far more consistent with human nature for us to dwell on the negative than the positive. We very often read too much between the lines and what we read is often harmful and damaging rather than helpful and healing. We tend to think the worst of people's motives, even our close friends sometimes, rather than the best. We are capable of attributing malicious qualities to them even when they have done nothing to deserve it. When a church member does not return our phone call in a timely manner, we think, "They don't care about me." When a friend does not seek us out at church to say hello, we think, "Why are they avoiding me?" When a spouse forgets to check the calendar for that special event we think, "He/she just doesn't care for me?"

In actuality, our perceptions are more often than not simply projections of how we really feel about ourselves. It is as if our perceptions are like tinted lenses that cast a colored haze over the words and actions of others. The closer or more significant the relationship is to us, the greater the distortion. I have found Fischer's rule to be very insightful and helpful in separating out the truth from the lies that fill up our brain like the grain and the chaff fill up the winnower's basket. He says, "Ninety percent of how others respond to you is not about you. Ninety percent of how you respond to others is about you."

So the second way to over come and protect yourself from hurt is to take responsibility for your perceptions. One way to begin to identify the distortions in your perceptions is to listen to yourself. Often people are not even aware of the chatter that flows continually through their minds. Some have an inner voice like a political talk show host who, with no concern for truth, questions, berates, argues and rebuts the opinions of his guest. To have good, healthy relationships we need to learn to have good thoughts not only about others, but about also about ourselves. Good relationships require us to be willing to place ourselves in other people's shoes in an attempt to see the situation from the vantagepoint of others (that is called empathy) and to have a love for the truth. As Fischer suggests, we all need to take responsibility for distortions in our perceptions by bringing them in line with the truth of God's word. 2 Corinthians 10:5b instructs us well on this matter: "take every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ."

If Christ sacrificed His life so we could have relationship with Him, let us be encouraged to work hard and value our relationships in the body of Christ. We can do this by practicing the art of humility, not idolizing those we love, taking personal responsibility for our own perceptual distortions, and by strengthening the arsenal of our intellect by being lovers of the truth.

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