Someone said communicating is more than merely talking, it is combining the power of words with the power of the ear to create a soul connection. We spend about 80% of our time communicating, and communication effects every area of our lives. In this month's How Shall We Live we will study four Biblical principles that will enhance your communication skills as well as your relationships.

First, Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone (Colossians 4:6). My husband and I have a saying that "Some people talk just to hear their marble rattle." You know, like the marbles in a spray paint can that rattle, rattle, rattle while you're shaking up the paint. Good conversation takes in to consideration the following three questions:

What are you trying to communicate (feelings, facts)?
How are you communicating (choice of words, tone of voice, body language)?
What is the purpose of your communication (give information, connect with others, resolve conflict, express feelings etc.)?

Second, Ecclesiastes 6:11 says The more the words, the less the meaning, and how does that profit anyone? Have you ever talked to someone who doesn't let you get in a word edgewise? We all know someone who totally dominates the conversation. Have you ever listened to yourself speak? Conversation, like relationship, is built on give and take. You say a little, then the other person responds. The other person says something, then you respond. Like playing a game of tennis. You take turns hitting the ball back and forth over the fence. Each person participates in a more or less balanced conversation. By saying a little bit and then letting the other person respond you are more likely going to be heard and get your point across. Next time you are in a conversation with someone take note of how long or how much you speak before pausing for the other person to respond. Ask yourself how many different thoughts, feelings or pieces of information you conveyed before allowing the other person to respond.

Third, be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry (James 1:19). Someone said that listening is 90% of communicating. Of course hearing is not the same as listening. Active listening means we take an active role in communicating, whereas hearing is a function of our physiology. Active listening requires the listener to care about what the other person is saying and have a desire to understand accurately what is being said. The person who actively listens, listens out of empathy—other centeredness, rather than self-centeredness. The active listener listens with ears of wisdom and compassion knowing God is their shield. They are not defensive because they acknowledge their own shortcomings and the shortcomings of others. This frees them to respond in truth and love. Active listening reminds us that communication is mostly about relationship, not simply an exchange of information. When someone is talking to you, ask yourself:

How am I demonstrating that I really care?
Is my mind clear so I can really focus on what the person is saying?
Does my body language convey openness and interest?

Fourth, Be transformed by the renewing of your mind (Romans 12:2b). Our communication is perceived through a distorted sense of hearing. Our understanding of what others say to us is often warped by our own life experiences. In particular our perception is very much shaped by the magnitude of how God's image in us was either desecrated or honored during our early developmental stages. For example, someone whose parents never demonstrated love to them may grow up feeling inside like "something's wrong with me." Because they feel that something is wrong with them they tend to project that belief onto relationships with other people, especially those who are closest to them. The answer to this problem, and we all have it to some degree or another, is to actively seek to develop the mind of Christ.

To help develop the mind of Christ practice Dr. Chris Thurman's TRUTH model:

First, identify Trigger events, situations that cause you to over react, that "push your buttons" so to speak. For example, some people have great difficulty receiving feedback from their spouse concerning their behavior or attitude. Any statement that can be construed as the least bit critical will result in yelling, intense anger or emotional shutdown. The spouse on the receiving end of the feedback may feel: "My husband/wife just doesn't love me" "He just doesn't understand me." "She's always judging me."

Next, identify the wRong thinking about the event. The wrong thinking in this example might be "I feel like he is always judging me and does not love me."

Third, identify the Unhealthy emotional and behavioral reaction or response. In this case it might be yelling, shutting down emotionally, refusing to explore your spouse's feedback for truth, or an unwillingness to talk about it rationally.

Fourth, identify the Truth about the situation. Identifying the truth requires us to take personal ownership for our feelings, thoughts and reactions. The truth in this scenario is the person receiving the feedback feels unlovable so they have been unwilling to receive or explore feedback from their spouse. The truth is just because we are not perfect does not mean that there is something intrinsically wrong with us or that we are unlovable. It is important to identify the lies we believe and begin telling ourselves the truth.

Finally, choose Healthy responses and actions rather than reactions. In this scenario healthy reactions might include the following:

Choosing to listen without yelling or shutting down
Praying to God about the feedback
Finding scriptures that speak specifically to the feedback
Choosing to love and appreciate oneself as God does (Zep. 3:17)
Taking responsibility for your feelings, thoughts and reactions

Improving our communication requires us to acknowledge that our minds are in need of being renewed (Romans 12:2b). If we continue to cling to falsehoods, we promote wrong thinking and the cost of wrong thinking is never growing to maturity in Christ. So, in closing, let us personally be diligent to heed Paul's exhortation to the Corinthians: Inasmuch as we refute arguments and theories and reasonings and every proud and lofty thing that sets itself up against the knowledge of God; we lead every thought and purpose away captive into the obedience of Christ, the Messiah, the Anointed One (2 Corinthians 10:5, Amplified version).

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Copyright © 2002 Alan and Jean LeStourgeon